Sunday, January 20, 2008

Communication – What is said and what is left unsaid

The other day spirit and I were relaxing together, watching a late night British TV show called “Hotter Sex”. It’s a show hosted by a sex councilor who tries to help the chosen couples improve not only their sex lives but the intimacy between them. Needless to say, the content of the program was more than titillating for Me, even if the couples that they were trying to help were of the vanilla variety. I decided a short while later to inform spirit that I wanted to have him perform some oral service for Me, but the expected response was not readily forthcoming from him, at which point I just let it go. Now I’m sure other Mistress’ would just demand that their submissive obey and do what was requested, and if I was just performing a regular scene with spirit or any sub, I would find this response completely unacceptable. However, we are living in a loving 24/7 D/s relationship which make issues like these more challenging. In the end, I decided to wait until a more appropriate time to approach this subject in a more objective way instead of just starting an argument, which does nothing to enhance our relationship. By doing this I wanted to find out the true nature of why spirit was somewhat reluctant to perform.

Fast forward to Sunday morning snuggles, a great time for us to talk about everything in our relationship and the D/s lifestyle we embrace.
I truly enjoy the conversations that we have on these mornings, as our communication levels are usually at an all time high during these times than any other, for whatever reason. When I got around to asking spirit what his reason was for his hesitation, he told me that he assumed that I was wanted him to perform oral worship, not because I truly wanted it but because I was being influence by the show. he stated that it didn’t feel right to him to perform and when I just let it go, that action confirmed his response. Do you see what is happening here? Lots of assumptions going on and no clear communication by Myself or from him.

It is easy to get caught up in the blame game at this point, the unsaid “you aren’t obeying ME” from Myself or “you don’t really want me to do that” from him. I went on to explain to him that yes, the show somewhat influenced Me, but only to the point to remind Myself that I had been neglecting the intimate side of our D/s experience. (If spirit performs up to My standard, he is aptly rewarded). It is so easy to let the physical side of D/s slide when you are living in a 24/7 relationship. So many daily stresses and anxieties can drain the erotic side of life right out of your mind. Sometimes these reminders, whether it is just an ad in a magazine or a late night TV show, it can be a bonus as to whether intimacy stays within the relationship or decides to drop out of site for a while. It does for Me anyways.

The bottom line is this…the longer assumptions are made within your relationship about what the other person wants or doesn’t want, the more it can restrict genuine communication with your partner. As for Me, I try My very best to keep it clear and concise as I can, but as you can see, it is still a work in progress for both of us.


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At 1:37 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Iam new to your blog, but like your current thoughts on communication.
We have a somewhat D/s relationship with me wearing a cb 24/7.
What you say about leaving something unsaid, is what happens to us.

Either of us does not say what we want to for fear of disagreement with the other, things are left unsaid.

The "fix" for this is not easy, and involves trust.
Trusting that ones partner will open up in a deep and meaningful way so that the relationship can grow.
Just my thoughts,

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