Sunday, January 20, 2008

Communication – What is said and what is left unsaid

The other day spirit and I were relaxing together, watching a late night British TV show called “Hotter Sex”. It’s a show hosted by a sex councilor who tries to help the chosen couples improve not only their sex lives but the intimacy between them. Needless to say, the content of the program was more than titillating for Me, even if the couples that they were trying to help were of the vanilla variety. I decided a short while later to inform spirit that I wanted to have him perform some oral service for Me, but the expected response was not readily forthcoming from him, at which point I just let it go. Now I’m sure other Mistress’ would just demand that their submissive obey and do what was requested, and if I was just performing a regular scene with spirit or any sub, I would find this response completely unacceptable. However, we are living in a loving 24/7 D/s relationship which make issues like these more challenging. In the end, I decided to wait until a more appropriate time to approach this subject in a more objective way instead of just starting an argument, which does nothing to enhance our relationship. By doing this I wanted to find out the true nature of why spirit was somewhat reluctant to perform.

Fast forward to Sunday morning snuggles, a great time for us to talk about everything in our relationship and the D/s lifestyle we embrace.
I truly enjoy the conversations that we have on these mornings, as our communication levels are usually at an all time high during these times than any other, for whatever reason. When I got around to asking spirit what his reason was for his hesitation, he told me that he assumed that I was wanted him to perform oral worship, not because I truly wanted it but because I was being influence by the show. he stated that it didn’t feel right to him to perform and when I just let it go, that action confirmed his response. Do you see what is happening here? Lots of assumptions going on and no clear communication by Myself or from him.

It is easy to get caught up in the blame game at this point, the unsaid “you aren’t obeying ME” from Myself or “you don’t really want me to do that” from him. I went on to explain to him that yes, the show somewhat influenced Me, but only to the point to remind Myself that I had been neglecting the intimate side of our D/s experience. (If spirit performs up to My standard, he is aptly rewarded). It is so easy to let the physical side of D/s slide when you are living in a 24/7 relationship. So many daily stresses and anxieties can drain the erotic side of life right out of your mind. Sometimes these reminders, whether it is just an ad in a magazine or a late night TV show, it can be a bonus as to whether intimacy stays within the relationship or decides to drop out of site for a while. It does for Me anyways.

The bottom line is this…the longer assumptions are made within your relationship about what the other person wants or doesn’t want, the more it can restrict genuine communication with your partner. As for Me, I try My very best to keep it clear and concise as I can, but as you can see, it is still a work in progress for both of us.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Are you talking to ME?

I saw this post in a group that I belong to posted by a submissive male and thought it was a relevant topic for this blog.

i was reading an article of a psychologist who mentioned that Women tend to be have mood swings and emotional outbursts on Their partners...the same psychologist also mentioned that usually they yell or scream on a person they feel comfortable with and in a way They trust and know that even if They have some rants and yells the other person will understand. Last night i was thinking about this because a related discussion with my Friend and on the way home we discussed this and there were some thoughts and i would like to share with the group. It is expected that a Woman will have days where she will be in bad mood because of work, her period or some other reason...and she might yell, scream, or blame her partner. If the partner is a regular-guy (not a submissive) sometimes he will remain cool, but at other times he may yell back at her, slam doors, walk away or threaten to leave or other scenarios... but for a submissive the rules are very different. He does not have the same freedom to react. So i devised a "proper-reaction" that fits perfectly to a submissive-male and helps both to move on without complications. ..

If say the Mistress is upset or has some outbursts or yells to Her sub or scolds him for rightful or wrong reason, instead of talking back and getting into an argument he should act this way: He stays where he is, tightening his hands behind and lowering his eyes to the floor or to Her shoes listening what She says and taking it without talking back. if he feels that She is totally unfair and unreasonable he may raise his hand to request to talk if She grants him permission he will say his opinion if not he will re-assume the same position and lower his eyes again waiting for Her to finish... One way to deal with this is to have the "rank mentality" the relationship between a lieutenant and his corporal or private. if the officer yells or says something wrong the lower-rank officer does not argue, but simply says "Yes sir." Often in the office a boss is sometimes is unreasonable. Employees don't yell back perhaps when they go back to their office they say "Mr Smith today has a bad mood or Mrs Jones did not sleep well last night" but this is the end of the discussion. Thinking with the rank-mentality the submissive does not need to yell back and break even.he just takes it.

Now if the Female-led
relationship is also disciplinarian one and the Domme along with Her rants and moody yells feels that She should pull his hair,twist his ear or slap his face or send him to the corner he should not only accept it but he should facilitate her punishment making it easy and convenient for Her...applying the Paige-Harisson rule "never talk back". This way he leaves the Woman time to relax and get the tension out of her system. The more obedient the male is, without disputing his wife's orders the more easy makes the house-management for the woman. This "take it without talking back approach" may be is not always fair, but eliminates conflicts in the house because there is only one decision-maker and when there are disagreements there is only one who talks.

I have to admit that I have My moments of irrationality and spirit also gets caught up with his ego at times. When we have discussions which may boarder on arguing, instead of submitting to Me, he gets angry, talks back and resists all of My training in these moments. Usually within a short while I regain My composure and he comes back to his submissive self, which is his most happy place. So you see, being a feisty Mistress has its upsides and downsides. No one every said living in a 24/7 D/s relationship was easy, but it is always far more interesting and worth the effort than living a vanilla one.

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