Sunday, August 06, 2006

Be True to Yourself

Be true to yourself – no other phase has ever been uttered that is more honest or more enigmatic. Does it mean finding your own path, being above the pack and living the life you wish which may fly in the face of societal standards?

The short answer is ‘Yes’. But taking the higher road to self fulfillment isn’t always easy. In order to be true to yourself, you must do things for yourself which many may view as acts of selfishness. I believe we are all selfish, to a certain degree. And yet, the word has such negative connotations. Even the definition of selfish is rather negative. And yet, is it not somewhat selfish when we are being true to ourselves or doing what we feel and know is right for ourselves? It is a fine line to walk. However, the benefits of knowing yourself and knowing the best way to live your life can be such a joyous experience, regardless of what others may think.

In all relationships, both parties have to be getting what they need and want from the relationship or it won't last and one or both will move on. That in itself denotes some selfishness, but I don't see this as a bad thing, for if any relationship, vanilla, D/s or whatever, is going to work for the long term, both parties need to be fulfilled and satisfied by it.

Yes, in a D/s relationship the illusion is that the Mistress gets all the satisfaction. But in reality, both parties do. For a submissive/slave has a need deep inside to serve, so by serving, they are fulfilling their need (selfishness). Mistresses are seen to be doing all the taking, when in truth, they are not taking anything that is not being freely offered and given. In fact, Mistresses give just as much to the submissive in time, appreciation and attention that the submissive so richly craves. In the end, both parties are getting what they need/want from the relationship. One is not more selfish than the other.

Selfishness is not necessarily a bad thing since NOT being true to ourselves would be more harmful than anything else. The key is in the balancing of utilizing our selfishness for the benefit of the relationship and not in being greedy and taking without giving.


At 2:15 pm, Blogger Biff said...

Dear Mistress Kika,
This is an exceedingly well written piece which beautifully summarizes the essence of an enduring relationship; part giving, part taking, and concerned with the happiness and fulfillment of both parties.
I truly enjoy reading your entries!

At 4:55 am, Blogger Lady Julia said...

What a wonderful entry. Even though for some the fantasy says otherwise, for D/s or LFA to work, it has to be a symbiotic relationship.

I too enjoy reading your blog.

At 9:06 pm, Blogger helpmate hubby said...

I echo the sentiments of these Ladies. A very thoughtful post and i love your blog.

At 10:23 pm, Blogger subbiehubbie said...

i wear a chastity belt and i seldom get to orgasm -- and yet i am much happier and more satisfied (sexually and otherwise). This may seem paradoxical and ironic, but it is just one of the many wonderful results of our D/s marriage. I get less ... and feel more! So yes, i totally agree that the relationship is an exchange, and that the subbie receives just as much as the Domme.

You can read more about 21 years of happy marriage at


At 7:08 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with you on certain issues particular as it relates to your D/S relationship. However, selfishness when related to ignoring those who are less fortunate is not a good thing. Compassion and helping those who are in need is what differs man from beast. Consider a world with no compassion, would you want to live in such a world. I think Not!

At 5:14 pm, Blogger Mistress Kika said...

Dear Anonymous,

I agree with you that a world without compassion wouldn't be a very nice place to live in. However I believe that you missed the point of My post. It's about rising above the crowd in regards to your own life and a D/s lifestyle...knowing what works best for you and not just conforming to societal standards. It's not about ignoring or disrespecting others or the world in general.

At 9:14 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't wish to get into a issue of semantics with you. I understood your post that was the reason for the statement about relationship. Maybe, I should have included life style. Sorry about that. My point has to do with the world in general. I have spent many, many hours volunteering to help others. I can't express the feeling of joy I see in the faces of people when you help those who are in need. Recently, I helped fight a raging Prairie fire that was about to distroy a couples farm. That's what I mean about compassion, caring to help someone in need. My reward, I sleep dam good at night and I have made life long friends and Who knows when I might need this couples help in the future. I am sure when I do, they will be the first to help me. Good day and sweet dreams!

At 2:08 am, Blogger petty said...

i believe that "being true to one's S/self could be the greatest hurdle life has to offer U/us.

there is so much propaganda surrounding all of U/us, laying down strict guidelines as to how "men" and "women" should think, feel and behave.

maybe "enlightened self interest" is a less loaded term than "selfishness" with all it's negative connotations.

before i met "my" present Mistress, i struggled for years with the very dichotomy You describe; "my" selfish urges versus a desire to be "abused"... if i'm gaining satisfaction from service, then i'm "not doing it right"... it's funny now, but there was a time when i took this very seriously.

living 24/7 in a Female-led household for the last few months has opened up so many doors for me! and not just the 'deferred pleasure' one!

wi respect,


At 7:41 pm, Blogger slave2Catwoman said...

I have seen so many people get into the wrong relationships because they were not being true to themselves. In our lifestyle, one must be honest with him/herself before S/he can be honest with another. And that is the only way to be happy. Anything else leads to boredom or frustration.


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