Thursday, November 24, 2005

Finding Focus

Being in a D/s relationship can be challenging at times. There can be certain levels of expectations and responsibilities from both parties which may hinder the union without good communication, both verbal and non-verbal.

It is expected that the submissive willingly gives of themselves to their Mistress, to enthusiastically serve Her in whatever manner that is pleasing to Her. It is assumed that the submissive experiences great joy on many levels to serve in this capacity. Why else would they choose to be in this type of relationship?

But what happens when the submissive doesn’t feel that their needs are being taken care of, (after all, it is a consensual relationship), that they are being taken for granted or that not enough attention is shown to them? It has been My experience that spirit will unwittingly ‘top from the bottom’, become bratty and test My authority in O/our relationship even though O/our roles have been clearly defined from the beginning. When this happens it isn’t even consciously done half of the time. One thing that the submissive needs to realize is their consistency in the relationship. It is the submissive that has to be accountable for their own actions, whether it is in regards to their happiness or being disgruntled with the relationship, what degree of service that they have been committed to and have fallen back on or not being chaste when it is vital to their service level agreed upon. Their Mistress will help keep them in line, but ultimately it is up to the submissive to ‘do the work’ in their area or the relationship will weaken.

It is expected that the Mistress will have clearly defined guidelines of what type service is preferred by Her and how She will respond if the guidelines are disregarded. It is expected that a Mistress will ‘scene’ with Her submissive. In fact, many submissive’s feel that scenes are required in order for them to feel that they are being cared for in the relationship. It is assumed that the Mistress finds Her role extremely gratifing to be in this position. But what is the true responsibility of the Mistress?

I can only speak for Myself, but I feel that My responsibility is to love and care for spirit with a firm but kind hand. I have found that doing a scene helps the fluidity of O/our relationship. It is key for the Mistress to maintain Her consistency. I feel that a Mistress must regularly discipline Her sub in order to maintain T/their roles within T/their relationship. Does this mean that the Mistress has the right to abuse Her submissive for Her own pleasure? Absolutely NOT! It means that She needs to kindly redirect Her submissive’s psyche to maintain the sub’s focus on Herself if the submissive becomes too distracted by issues in the vanilla world or his own insecurities. By doing this, the Mistress helps the sub maintain a certain level of sub-space by keeping ‘top-space’ to a minimum while within the Mistress’ presence. I feel it also helps maintain T/their unique bond which is the basis of any D/s relationship.


At 11:43 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so right that it is up to us submissive males "to do the work" to make the relationship. i always ask myself, what can i do for my Wife instead of what should my Wife do to me.
---- fd

At 3:18 am, Blogger fd said...

If anyone would like to discuss the issues raised by this blog with others in the lifestyle, please join us at

At 8:58 am, Blogger leo said...

It is very important for a submale to get some sort of "reminder" from his Mistress, but that shouldn't be and it is not the main thing in the relationship you both live. However, it is hard for the submale to keep on serving without that kind of "reward". Maybe that is the main difference between male and female submission.

At 5:00 pm, Blogger Mistress Kika said...

Leo..I agree with your point to a certain degree. However for a male sub to actually have and be able to serve a Mistress should be reward enough. Everything else the Mistress gives Her sub is a perk.

At 8:23 am, Anonymous goddess disciple said...

Having just discovered Your blog, i am brimming with things to say but will limit myself here to issues raised in this post alone. That it is the submissive that has to be accountable for his own actions reminds me of lessons learned from my first D/s experience (as an adult – as a child, i was “used” by an older girl in ways that even today form the basis of my submissiveness). i was a GI in Frankfurt, Germany, newly involved with a young “bar girl” (who made a living manipulating males into buying Her drinks). i was a year younger, a virgin, and though She was aggressive, i had difficulty performing intercourse in any way that would satisfy Her. One day (eyes sparkling, watching for my reaction) She mentioned She had always had a fantasy of tying a man up naked and whipping him. i said i had always wanted to be the man in that fantasy. She did not pursue this then but several weeks later took me to a Lederwaren shop and said, “wait out here.” She came out empty-handed, took me to a similar shop and again told to me wait outside. i knew enough German to know that “Lederwaren” meant “leather goods,” and when She emerged empty-handed a second time She admitted She was looking for a whip. In 1960 whips were not to be found in shops, but Her admission sent us excitedly into a cab and back to her apartment, where she stripped me, laid me on the bed and began beating me with my own belt, so painfully that my anguished begging caused her quickly to stop. That was the first time (though not the last) that i was whipped hard enough to be left black and blue for a week. i think She scared Herself, because it was weeks before She again initiated anything like it. This time She blindfolded me (very effectively, not always the case when an inexperienced person first uses a blindfold), stripped me naked, tied my knees together and my elbows behind my back and told me that if i could (in my blindness) locate Her successfully enough to touch her with any part of my body, She would leave off whipping me. That was the first time i heard the beautifully sadistic laughter of a Woman getting great pleasure out of her ability to torment, frustrate, humiliate and generally exercise Her power over Her male. Totally helpless, mincing around on my tiptoes, trying to follow the source of that giggle, i found it simply impossible to escape the (now more wisely and efficiently wielded) tip of that belt. The only problem was that i was not enjoying myself. i said, with considerable sarcasm, “I hope you’re having a good time.” That of course brought everything to a halt. Grinning, She released me, saying, “I was just beginning to enjoy myself.” For a very long time i analyzed that event, trying to understand why an experience with all the ingredients that made my fantasies so exciting had left me so cold. i finally realized that it was MY responsibility to ensure that my mind-set was correct, MY responsibility to develop the proper attitude in the situation. What else did submission and obedience mean? And, soon, the very approach of such resistance became for me a signal that it was necessary to let go, to dig deeper into the genuinely submissive levels of myself for the worshipful adoration that makes my Mistress’s pleasure the reason for (and the source of) my own. i had to learn how to do what i had always claimed i wanted to do, turn fantasy into reality. So it seems to me that on some very deep level i truly do believe that the Mistress has the right to abuse Her submissive for Her own pleasure, and it is my responsibility to evolve in ways that make me ever more capable of submitting with love and devotion to whatever it is that gives Her pleasure. Clearly, it is in Her interest to know how to expand limits without inhibiting my submissiveness, but i cannot deny that my primary role is to ensure that Her pleasure is our primary pursuit. As You say, it is ultimately up to the submissive to “do the work.” This realization has often made me think that it would be wise for a Mistress who owns more than one submissive to form them into a therapy group so that each can experience the lessons learned by the others.

I told this story once in my first session with a psychotherapist (in NYC) who was a lifestyle Domme specializing in helping submissives accept their submissiveness. She commented on my Mistress's evident creativity in setting up this event, but what interested Her was how i had felt when told by my “girlfriend” to wait for Her outside a shop. i shrugged: “If She wants me to wait, that’s what I’ll do.” The therapist pointed a finger at me: “You,” She said, “are a true submissive.” i felt Her statement was the D/s equivalent of being knighted by my Queen.

At 11:03 am, Blogger globalfriendshipnetwork said...

submission is serving lady with mind and body . so i agree with you


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